Football – it’s a funny old game, although some of Twyford CC’s XI weren’t smiling too much when they woke up the day after the big match against the Twyford Comets.
Life is about learning, and we learned a lot about ourselves after the 7-2 hammering.
We learned that men who play football are generally fitter than men who play cricket, that trying to form some kind of cohesive unit for a one off match is near-on impossible, and that football, actually, is really hard.
As many English coaches have failed to realise, playing one striker and aimlessly booting it somewhere in their direction, doesn’t really work, unless you have Kevin Davies in your team, which we didn’t.
Time and again the Comets defenders effortlessly picked the ball from where the TRCC striker (Oscar, who put in a manful effort in a hopeless cause) wasn’t.
Then it was a surge of attackers, like a plague of locusts annihilating a farmer’s field.
At times poor Ian Rogers goal was set upon like the carcass of a freshly killed zebra by starving hyenas, such were the rampant numbers of attackers.
The Comets took the lead with that Sunday league classic move, a mishit pass arriving to the striker who mishit his shot, thus fooling the keeper.
The lead was then doubled before Twyford hit back, with Ken Cochrane, a man you’d really love to have in your unit if you were an army commander, sweeping the ball home.
Cochrane’s efforts in defence alongside the heroic Jim Quartermain were at moments magnificent, making up for the efforts of their right-back, who having announced he wasn’t doing any heading before the game, quickly realised he didn’t really like tackling either.
Or running, or football.
The score at half-time was 3-1, which prompted the arrival of the former chairman whose motivating words were “Look at you, you’re all so fat, no wonder you’re losing, even the young ones are fat”.
How awfully charming, he’s such a delight.
The second half featured a number of injustices.
The main one was the Comets having a number of players in their late teens/20s who they were able to bring on as subs.
TRCC had one extra player, which led to rolling subs and players who had come of for a rest having to return minutes later.
The second injustice was the fact that ref Steve Green failed to give the Comets the most blatant of penalties after Mark “Bobby” Teal blatantly tripped their man over in the area.
It was about 6-1 at the time.
The man in black then evened up that decision by awarding Twyford a penalty of their own after an excellent piece of simulation by Oscar, who dispatched the spot kick with ease.
It finished 7-2, whatever chance Twyford may have had was ended by the introduction of some players who were young, fit and good at football.
Green ended the game with about 10 minutes to spare, a mercy killing if you will, and, in true football fashion, the defenders blamed the midfielders for not coming back to help.
Ian Rogers’ efforts in goal were rewarded with the Man of the Match award.
Jim Quartermain was herculean in defence and was his efforts who probably saved us from a double figure drubbing.
Despite the various problems we faced, the game was good fun and played in a good spirit and we look forward to meeting them on the cricket pitch.
The match also raised £100 for the Twyford Together project, so maybe the resulting pain was worth it.